WHY I TEND TO BE THE MORON I AM

I am utterly bored and absolutely unsated with what my life for last three or four years has been about. I shouldn’t really be complaining too much for there have been fairly decent milestones in the form of a management degree, an adequate job offer, a few abbreviated and vacuous love affairs, and finally a pious (or perhaps overblown), superload lifelong affair – marriage. In short, I have been able to squeeze out of life most things which at least 90% (statistically speaking, this figure is a gross under estimation) of men of my age yearn for. But despite this there is an oversized void somewhere deep inside. Blame the insatiable and limitless nature of our wants (I am 27 years old).

Discontentment has its own ways of taking a toll on ones reasoning faculties and given my intellectual shortcomings (of all the IQ tests I have taken so far, I have always, without fail, managed to fall in the first quartile; leading me to question the utility of such tests, but that’s another matter) I have been susceptible to its mesmerism in ways more than one. Surprisingly (or not, I leave it up to you), I have not even been consciously aware of what the void was really about, at least not until today. But I have felt it every day for last few years and today I am making a conscious effort of making it specific and definite by penning it down. From what my limited intellectual capabilities allow me to, I have been able to classify my unfulfilled desires into three broad categories –

·       Desire to prove my worth.

·       Desire to create.

·       Desire to live a guilt free life.

Some discerning readers of this post will find the above three desires a little vague, and ambiguous. Well, there’s a purpose to it which you will come to know of. Let’s take the first unfulfilled desire which troubles my otherwise contented existence. I haven’t earned enough medals (celebrity parents, IIM/IIT or at least NIT/SRCC education, national/state level winner certificate etc.) in life to be taken seriously. My academic record is a big joke (of which I am not a bit ashamed). Throughout my life so far I have concentrated myself on ether enjoying my existence to the fullest or focusing my attention to the ‘most relevant’ thing I deemed important. Academic excellence with all its bogus baggage was never a priority, but learning/knowledge was. The world however counts your medals before forming a perception about you (and for good reason). I couldn’t offer any, so I have rarely been taken seriously except by few who were intelligent (or fool) enough to overcome their first impressions. Needless to say, there’s a deep desire inside me somewhere to provide a befitting reply to all those who didn’t trust my abilities (and by God, I remember each one of them!!). The fact that I have not been able to do so in a meaningful scale so far makes me discontented and my life boring. Boring because the interesting part, which is yet to come, will be – well, very interesting (readers with IQ scores falling in the first quartile must be already nodding in agreement ;-) ).

Coming to my second unfulfilled desire - Desire to create. Think of a prisoner behind bars serving a life term. All  he thinks of 24x7 is how beautiful the world outside the prison really is or must be. But the outside world, in reality remains beyond his reach forever. My predicament is somewhat similar to the prisoner although not as certain. Ever since my childhood (as far as I can remember) I have loved to create things. I have been most happy when I have been building something. End of flashback. Today I find I lack necessary skill sets required for creating any meaningful object. I could have created wonderful application software (better than most ones I use) but hey, I don’t know java or C++ or any programming language for that matter. I could have made a really great Ad/Documentary/Feature film but hey, I don’t know a thing about technical aspects of film making. I could write a great novel but….. . There are just so many buts in my life which make me discontented and my life (the current one) boring. Although I have started taking appropriate steps to rectify a few things, the result will take some time to arrive. Till that happens, I am destined to live a miserable, boring life.

And finally coming to my last unfulfilled desire - Desire to live a guilt free life. No matter what I do, this one is really pretty hard to come by. Every day when I walk up to the mirror I expect to see my most confident and guilt free self. But that vision has eluded me so far (at least not to the degree of my expectations, it’s all relative you know) for everyday that I step out of my house I end up coming home doing either something utterly stupid or terribly wrong (some of the readers with IQ test scores falling in the first quartile may/may not agree). I am waiting for a day when I would have learned from all my mistakes and therefore would be able to rush home and head for the mirror to break it into pieces – for all these years it has only been there to remind me how imperfect I am. I haven’t been able to do this so far and therefore my life (yes the current one) is boring.

I remember reading somewhere, years ago, a ‘how to’ article by a self professed writing expert that people should avoid using a lot of “I”s in their articles/letters (it conveys self centeredness). Well, I have only one thing to say, he can burn in hell for all I care. This post is about me and my life, I own this blog, and for as long as I remain its owner (depending upon Google’s mercy), I will write as many “I”s as I wish. For I don't know about you but I still believe in “I” and in the power of “I” to create a powerful “We”. And in any case, who reads this blog anyways, except for “I” and I’s wife (not really sure if she likes though)…

YF - “I” Think